When is intense attraction NOT in your best interest?

It’s the unique and indescribable group Pink Martini playing Bolero. My husband David and I went to this concert, and we were lucky enough to get seats in the fourth row.  It was quite an intimate and enlightening experience.  We could read the tattoo on the back of the beautiful singer, Storm Large.
But what’s it doing on a relationships site?
It was a great illustration of how we are affected by energy flows, whether we’re aware of it or not. And being aware of it can dramatically increase our choices and our success at having our choices give us what we’re really looking for. For most of the playing of Bolero, the trumpet player, with dazzlingly clean long long hair, stood motionless on the side of the stage.  Yet without even moving or even having the light on him, he was the sexiest and most desirable person (of the men anyway) on the stage.  Why?
Because he pulled WAAY more energy than anyone else on the stage.  Pulling energy equals what we call attraction.
Think about it. Isn’t it so in your own life?
How often have you been attracted to someone. You had to have them.They were irresistible.  Perhaps you even “got” them.  But how long did it last?

How good was the relationship really? Was there any give and take at all, or was it all your giving and their taking?

How could that happen with such intense attraction?  Why is attraction such a poor predictor of a relationship that’s any good in the first place, let alone that lasts?

 

The answer lies in that energy pulling.  We like to have our energy pulled. If you don’t know what that feels like, watch Angelina Jolie in The Tourist.  (Beautiful movie, beautiful setting, silly plot, who cares?)  There are several scenes where she strides down the street in Venice and Paris.  She seems nonchalant, but she is pulling energy like crazy.  I am a straight woman and I wanted her!  It’s been said that Madonna could suck the chrome off a 1958 Buick still in 1958. Angelina Jolie has got her beat!
During the playing of Bolero, the trumpet player was not even in the light. But I noticed him anyway. That’s because he pulled energy more than anyone else on the stage. When I detached myself from the pull of that energy that we mis-identify as sexual attraction, I looked at the energy of all the men on the stage. Most of them had much more kindness in their universes and more potential for a relationship than the trumpet player. (Now unfortunately I don’t know any of them so I’m only speaking from my perception of the energy.) Now I’m not shopping for a relationship so this may seem irrelevant.  I’m only doing it for the research–hopefully my efforts will be educational for you all!  I’m just suggesting that you look at the energy before you make choices about who to get in relationship with.

What we call attraction is most often the description of someone who’s adept at pulling energy, which feels good to us.  All too often, those folks are great at pulling energy, but that’s where their relationship skill stops.  Their ability to gift to the person they’re with can often be non-existent.  They live for the feeling of your energy flowed towards them.  It’s like a drug for them. When our energy is being pulled, it’s an enjoyable feeling–I enjoyed the trumpet player. Just don’t confuse that feeling with relationship potential if a relationship that involves BOTH of you receiving is what you have in mind.

In case you think this is just me blethering, there’s scientific research that backs this up.  “Being in love” is chemically and neurologically quite similar to a major mental health crisis.  “Romantic attraction activates the parts of the brain with a high concentration of receptors for dopamine the chemical messenger related to drug addictions, cravings, and euphoria.” (from Tara Parker-Pope’s book, For Better:  the Science of a Good Marriage).In case you don’t see a connection between longevity of the relationship and this “chemical attraction”–you are an incurable romantic! The statistics show it pretty much doesn’t happen.

There is one way to keep the romance going–do something new and exciting with your partner every week.  Not just comfortable and pleasurable but new and different.  That’s why we went to Pink Martini! attraction”Questions?  Comments?  I’d love to hear them.  Comment here, or on my face book page, Relationships Made Easy. If you like to hear about what I’ve found from research on relationships and how it might help you find and keep love, you might wish to check out Finding Mr.Wonderful and Keeping Him.

It’s a four part series that covers just that.  You can download the first introductory class

here. The whole four part series is also for sale on this website.

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